Weekly News Roundup, August 31st.

It’s Friday again!

And I’m back!

Yes, I know you missed me (actually I know you didn’t) but worry not my loyal readers, I am back in town and refreshed and ready to report on everything that happened in the last week plus a few tidbits from the week before that were just too awesome to have them banished to the land of obliviousness.

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This is what you need to know:

Move over Hollywood (and Palermo Hollywood), there's a new attention whore in town and it will be called Puerto Madero Hollywood, maybe. (Photo/Wikipedia)

This week President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner announced the creation of a new audiovisual district located on the southern tip of Puerto Madero. Her goal, as she put it, is to create the South American answer to Hollywood and become the regional mecca of film making. The presentation video is nothing short of impressive and it shows that it is indeed an ambitious project that if finished will revolutionize Argentina by positioning it as a global power player in the movie market. It’s going to be the pinnacle of the Latin American film industry, a majestic scene filled with thriving businesses and fountains and children and powerful beams of light diving into the darkness of the deep space. It’s going to be amazing!!

Then again, maybe not.

During her speech, she also said the reason why she loves architecture so much is because in a past life she was probably a great Egyptian architect. I will not comment on this one and let you leave your thoughts below for a change. Ready, set, go.

No, wait. Finish the column, then comment.

The Government and the opposition are once again butting heads over a controversial bill that looks to lower the voting age to 16 and… [INSERT DRAMATIC PAUSE HERE] let foreigners vote! Hurray for democracy! I mean, I’m sure you won’t vote because you couldn’t care less, but still! Knowing that we are actually being considered is good for our ego. If the bill is passed you will need to officially be a permanent resident and live for at least two years in Argentina before you get to cast your ballot. Again, not that you care.

Great news! Since most of you drunks keep forgetting to refill your SUBE card and always end up fist fighting the bus driver because he won’t take you to Palermo for free at 3 AM, the National Government has now ordered a $7.50 additional credit that you can use to pay with if your card has no money in it. Way to go, drunks.

Even greater news! After much negotiation and backroom meetings, Argentina’s flagship airline Aerolíneas Argentinas was accepted as a member of the SkyTeam global alliance. What does this mean? I’m not sure, but apparently more connecting flights and a new VIP lounge in Ezeiza that I bet my life you will never be allowed to set foot in. Yay!

No wait, here comes the US to ruin the celebrations.

Remember Mark Sanford? No, of course you don’t. Mr. Sanford was the governor of South Carolina who went “hiking the Appalachian trail” a few years ago, only to later find out he was actually visiting his mistress in Argentina. Still don’t? It’s OK, I don’t blame you, the Weekly News Roundup did not exist back then. Anyway, despite the public embarrassment and creating a new entry in the American vernacular, Sandorf announced six days ago that he is engaged to his Argentine lover. Were I not a cynical, love-hating bastard, I would say that once again love prevailed. Unfortunately, I am. So no.

In totally awesome news (the kind that make the conservative movement stab itself with a crucifix), as kids in the Flores N°23 school returned to class after the winter break, they found out that their chess teacher Jorge had turned into Melisa. Other teachers supported his decision to finally become what he always wanted to be, some parents were horrified by his courage to defy the status quo and the majority of children probably didn’t give a shit, mostly because chess is boring. Congratulations Melisa, be happy.

I always knew those seemingly harmless animation films you go see despite not having any kids (or go see without kids despite having them) were in reality a propaganda machine dedicated to indoctrinating those ranking below humans in the Darwinian food chain. In another case of animals following the terrible example set by that inappropriate movie “Madagascar” (the first case being this one), a lioness escaped from the San Juan zoo after some douche left the cage door open. After the zoo authorities realized she was missing, the terrified neighbors rushed home to escape the menacing, blood-thirsty beast, who obviously responded to the name “Simba”. So yeah, not only they are completely devoid of originality, they also named her after a male character in The Lion King. Nice. Anyway, Simba was strutting down the area, minding her own business when the so-called “Ecological Police” spotted her and enacted their carefully developed plans to bring her back to her cage. So they shot her with a tranquilizer dart to calm her down. Then they shot her with another one, just in case. And another one. Then she finally collapsed and fell asleep so everyone could… – oops, they killed her.

Speaking of killing animals, you know how those pesky seagulls are always gutting whales and hurling their insides all over the ocean, traumatizing little Timmy for good and ruining everyone’s whale watching experience? No? The Chubut province does, and it has enacted a brilliant plan to get… – Oh, Gawker beat me to it.

The scandal surrounding the controversial and pro-Cristina youth activist group La Campora continues, as detractors compare it to the Hitler Youth (which is false) and supporters compare it to the Boy Scouts (which is also false). So after several claims that the group was “brainwashing” school children and indoctrinating them with Kirchnerite mantras, the City Government decided to take action by setting up a 0-800 number that you can use to denounce La Cámpora activities. Too bad such a move is blatantly illegal, so a judge had no choice but to intercede.

Also, in case you care to know, articulate and omnipresent Kirchnerite senator Aníbal Fernández addressed the toll-free number controversy by telling Mayor Macri to “shove the fascist 0-8000 number up his fucking ass.” Insightful and powerful words coming from the mustache man himself. Hopefully we will all sit back and reflect after this.

There’s a new minimum wage in Argentina, and no matter how much you complain, it’s still not enough to get yourself and iPad.

Also, if you’re one of the few lucky bastards who get to travel abroad, any purchase you make with your credit card will be charged a 15% income tax advance. If you think that’s kind of a convoluted scheme, don’t worry, you’re supposed to.

Of course Argentina was going to find a way to make the death of Neil Armstrong all about her. Sure, the great American hero may have claimed ownership of the moon by sticking the US flag there and leaving it for good, but you know which flag also landed on the moon that day? This one. Suck on that, USSR!

A dangerous 23-year-old pedophile that had been on the FBI’s target list for a long time was finally arrested. “Where?” you say? Where else! Salta, obvio.

Ready for the latest viral sensation that spreading all over Latin America like a weaponized strain of Ebola? Then put on your dancing shoes and leave your chair, because once you are hypnotized by the over-confident charm of Colibritany you will never be able to stop jumping up and down and shaking your body like an idiot. Colibritany (yeah, that’s her stage name) is turning 15 next month, and she is offering the Quinceañera party of a lifetime. In order to do so, she has carefully crafted a video invite targeting anyone in the world who has access to You Tube, announcing in the process that she’s looking for her “sexy chambelán.” Now, I have no idea what a sexy chambelán is because I’m lazy and I couldn’t be bothered to look it up, but I assume she’s looking for a guy to hook up with [UPDATE: It's actually the guy escorting the birthday girl as she enters the party]. I don’t know what’s more diabetes-inducing: the Twilight paraphernalia, her armpit-shaving, the pink Hummer, praising that her dad got her some earrings in thirteen payments (zero interest!) or when she vows to let her date go “south of the equator”. Did I mention she’s fourteen? OK. Just checking. So if for some reason you have lots of money and are crazy enough to attend Colibritany’s Quinceañera celebration, it’s on September 18th. in some place called “Jardines de Cocoyoc” (country undisclosed, but I suspect Mexico). Oh, and if you need directions it is “right across from the Wal*Mart”. At least that’s what the video says. Make you sure you Instagram the shit out of that thing.

I may have been gone for two weeks, but Dancing With The Starswas not.
American hero and probably Argentine citizen Neil Armstrong. (Photo/Wikipedia)

And their crazy shenanigans continued to mar the screen with desperate attempts for ratings and hilarious (in a not-funny way) stunts, such as bringing out a cow on stage and watching it urinate all over the dance floor or forcing a septuagenarian guy try a sexy move over the kitchen counter only to gracefully plummet to the (probably still urinated) floor, cracking his skull in the process. Oh, Argentine TV. I have missed you.

Speaking of other relevant news, you know how finally joined Twitter? Marcelo Tinelli, Argentine TV legend and current Dancing With The Stars host, not that you care. Obviously he was soon hacked by what I suspect was a cheeky teenager, since of all the relevant topics the hacked could have addressed by momentarily sequestering such an important platform, he chose to go with: “Hi. I’m gay.” Sigh.

Yes, that is badass sword-wielding Viggo Mortensen starring in the new Argentine film “Todos Tenemos Un Plan.” In case you didn’t know, he spent his childhood here and speaks perfect Argentine Spanish. Which means that, just like Neil Armstrong, he is also Argentine.

Nouveau riche and village idiot Mariana Nannis is my new unconventional hero. Sure, I vilify her for spawning Charlotte Chantal and Alex, the children of the corn gone wrong. But despite her severe flaws, her gigantic stupidity makes me laugh. You see, rumor has it that the Nannis clan is broke and all those displays of endless glamour are nothing but a front as they try to milk money out of wherever they can. A few weeks ago, she denounced that $300,000 dollars had disappeared from her hotel room in the Faena and demanded compensation (smart move, Mrs. Nannis, *wink, wink*). Unfortunately she forgot about the tough AFIP agency and its army of dollar-smelling dogs, who immediately demanded she explains where that money came from since she failed to declare any foreign currency upon her arrival to Argentina last May. Anyway, long story short she’s now a fugitive and had to escape hidden in the trunk of a car. Ha! I told you she was my hero.

And speaking of people who are over the hill, remember local diva and international criminal Moria Casán? It seems Paraguay has confirmed its request to extradite her and take her to trial there since she’s suspected of stealing a very expensive necklace. Moria, however, doesn’t care and is currently performing in a play in which she gets to make out with her daughter (as in her actual daughter). Oh, lighten up. It’s a play. If it’s any consolation they don’t get to have sex.

The local Spanish-speaking media, so savvy and polyglot, spent all Thursday making fun of a Carlos Tévez interview in which he, as usual, struggles to speak English in front of the cameras. You know what, local media? Shut the fuck up. The guy is brave enough to stand there and fend-off questions in a different language, and I’m sure most of those idiots giggling in front of the cameras couldn’t answer half of the questions he was asked.